up until now my life has been so carefully placed and planned out for me.
you know how it is. your parents have say in pretty much everything you do.
they planned the preschool you went to the grade school you went to.
the junior high you went to and in most cases the high school you went to or go to now.
they gave you a curfew that you have to abide by. and if you didnt stick to that curfew.
they gave you a consequence. they gave you rules on the boys or girls you could date.
the friends you could hang out with. and if you dated or hung out with any boy or girl.
lower than that standard that was set for your family. you would know about the disappointment.
you are expected to go to church every sunday with them.
and you are expected to do chores.


this is how my life is. i am not complaining. if anything it has been nice.
i can look to them to tell me what i can and cant do.
if some one asks me on a date. i can ask my mom if she is okay with it.
if a friend invites me on a vacation i ask my parents for permission.
and even though at times it is frustrating. thats how its been.
but now. everything is about to change. thirty six days. thats all i have left.
i have thirty six days left of my tailor made life.


the more i think about it. the more frightened i become.
i am on my own. not completely. but enough to scare me.
i cant ask my mom, every time i get asked out, if its okay.
i dont have to have permission to go on a road trip with friends.
i can stay out as late as i want. and know that there is going to be no consequence.
except maybe being tired in the morning.
its a feeling of unsure excitement. unsure that i will have the best judgment.
but excited that i can judge for myself.


i wait for these thirty six days to pass with great anticipation.
knowing that in these last days of the life. that i know now. and have known for so long.
i must listen to every word of advice from my parents. every simple word.
that comes from their mouths could be the words that i reflect back on in hard times.
im excited. to say the least. for me its an adventure. but. i am also scared out of my mind.
im about to step out into the unknown. and start a whole new part of my life.
nothing from here on out. is planned for me. everything from here on out. i plan for me.
holding my future in my own two hands is scary. and at times i wish.
i could give the burden of it back to my parents. but at the same time.
knowing that what i do with the rest of my life is my choice.
gives me so much excitement.


to say that i am nervous. well that would be an understatement.
colbie caillet said it best in her song tailor made.

"twenty five of all of these mixed emotions tangled up in pure confusion, its hard to let go of the past though it seems easier as time keeps movin"

those word always seem to creep back into my head as i think about my future.
its true. i am confused. so confused its ridiculous.
and its also true. that i dont want to let go of my present which will soon be my past.
but with everyday that goes by. it will be easier to slowly loosen my grasp.
around all of the yesterdays that i hold so dearly to me.
of course. i will never forget any of the memories i have made in this mapped out life of mine.
but i do look forward to making more memories in the up coming chapter of my story.

WELL MY SUMMERS BOOKED. but thats okay.
ill still be having fun.
lots of parades.
lots of meetings.
and.
lots of memories.
so.
i did the miss Pleasant Grove Scholarship Pageant.
it went well.
i got fourth attendant.
and i am very happy with that.
it was a very stressful couple of months.
but.
it paid off.
i finally get a crown.
a real one.
hahaha.
it was a life goal i guess.
for opening number.
i wore converse high tops on stage.
haha.
all the other girls had heels.
at first.
i was self conscious.
but it was my personality.
so who cares?
not me.
i liked my swim suit.
just simple black.
with a jeweled x on the back.
classy.
yet stylish.
i murdered my onstage question.
hahaha.
it was bad.
but oh well.
and i sang.
singing in front of people.
ahhh.
it gives me such a rush.
my passion for sure.
i sang happy by Leona Lewis.
i wore a red sparkly knee length dress.
i felt gorgeous.







and my evening gown.
ORANGE.
i loved it.
Lois spinder found it for me.
$15 bucks at ross.
yep.
we know how to shop.
or.
she does.
haha.
it was gorgeous.
and also made me feel so good in my skin.







all in all.
the pageant went so well.
and i had so much fun.
here are some shout outs.
to some people that i couldnt have done it with out.
my mother of course.
my sister.
always giving me moral support.
lois spinder.
my personal shopper.
Terry.
my pageant director.
staci spinder.
helped me through it all.
and my hostest Talia R.
all these people help me so much.
i could never thank them enough.
but.
i am saying it right now.
THANK.
YOU.

i love you all.
wish me luck to a busy.
and eventful.
but amazing.
pageant summer(:

the events of today were....different.
to say the least.
it was warm.
ahhhhhhhhh. YES. HEAT.
its about time.
it was one of those days that i will look back on in years to come.
and laugh out loud because it was so entertaining.
first it started out with me being on time to first period.
on time. that never happens.
the universe is finally working in my favor.
then in first period we watched remember the titans.
honestly. senior year is WORTHLESS.
worthless i tell you.
but thats okay.
then after first...i walked to second...who would have thought.
haha.
we finished learning our dance routine.
i love dancing. it makes me feel so alive.
but thats my opinion.
nothing very strange happened in this period.
off to third.
third was weird.
i got a long with the boys that sit at my table.
usually.
they are the most annoying things on the face of the earth.
but today. they werent.
i took notes in math. and listened.
then at the end of class. the student teacher gave me a donut.
"because i was so good today"
are we in preschool still??
but oh well...it was very satisfactory.
then there was lunch. mmm.
we went to haleys house and made breakfast burritos.
OHMYGOSH.
they were amazing. completely hit the spot.
then after lunch we went back to school.
and....
got in a car accident.
no i am not april fooling you.
we backed into Zak Hickens car. yeah.
totally rammed him.
luckily he is a nice kid.
hahah.
oh dear.
yeah so this is where it started getting weird.
i went to go talk to my FL teacher.
to turn in the paper i had written to clear my NC.
and yes he says to me.
"no. im not accepting this. you wrote it on the wrong movie."
yeah that happened. i almost died. i was not about to not get credit for a term of FL.
F(m)L.
then as i am leaving he says.
"you know what hallah...april fools"
who does that.?
WHO DOES THAT.
and who creates a holiday to mess with peoples minds.
at least i get credit now.
but i nearly had a heart attack.
then next was seminary with brin.
this is always a disaster.
today was refreshingly calm though.
until a giant bunny walks in with a basket full of eggs.
yeah.
asking her to prom.
i mean i wanna go to prom and all.
but not with a rabbit.
she was so embarrassed.
i sure got a good laugh out of that one.
then after school.
i had to go to the baseball game to sing the national anthem.
hahaha.
oh dear...
its cool.
we lost.
because of a stupid call that the ref made.
but dont get me started.
lots of things happened after school.
but i dont wanna give anymore of a play by play of my day.
all you need to know.
is that its one i will definitely be remembering.


ahhh. i love life.

broken leg. scraped skull. fractured wrist.

i broke my leg.
yes i broke my leg.
it hurts.
and thats saying the least.
i have a huge scrape on my head.
and a fractured wrist.
all from falling off the bleachers.
go me.

oh wait.

april fools.