if you have read any of my blog you might already know little bits and pieces of my adoption story. and like i have said before. everyone has that story that they hold dear to them. this story. is mine. this story is very personal to me. but. i am sharing it because it has meaning. be prepared to have a very intimate moment with my blog.
background:
on october 28th. i was born. on october 29th. i was placed with a foster family until my adoptive parents(my parents now) could finish paper work and come get me. i was with this family until november 21st. finally Richard. Stacy. Benjamin and Rachel Harmon. came to pick me up. i now had a family.
i grew up knowing that i had a family that loved me.and that they were the family i was supposed to be with. so i never second guessed my adoption. at times the question would come in my mind why? but then i always pushed it out because it didnt matter. i was where i am supposed to be. as time went on i thought more and more about my adoption. it kinda haunted me in a sense. and i didnt know what it was. then one day my mom decided to hand me a folder. this folder actually changed my life. up to the point she handed me this folder i doubted a lot. i doubted the church and i even doubted myself. it bothered me that i never really knew where i came from. how i looked like i did. and where i got my personality. it was something that was always in the back of my head. i sat there and looked at the folder for a good thirty minutes. then took a deep breath. and opened it. the first page i saw sent a jolt threw my stomach. it made me so nervous. non-identifying background information.
non-identifying background information:
birth mother:
the birth mother of this child is a 20 year old caucasian female of english descent. she is single and has never been married. she describes herself as being emotional, friendly, happy, outgoing, and self-confident. she indicates she enjoys volleyball, basketball, piano, crafts, painting, water skiing, and camping. she has expressed an interest in pursuing further schooling in the areas in foreign language, specifically spanish, and music, specifically piano. she indicates that she is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and that she was raised in an active family. she stands 5 ft. 8-1/2 in. tall, has a regular weight of 130 lbs., has brown hair and blue eyes. she describes her complexion as fair and her physical features as being medium build, long-limbed and semi-muscular.
birth father:
the birth father has been identified by the birth mother as a black male of unknown age and unknown decent. he has denied that he is in fact the father, but the birth mother indicates that he is the father and the only possible father. she states that he stands 6 ft. 3 in. tall and weighs approximately 210 lbs. she states that he has a large build, black hair and brown eyes. she reports that his interests are camping, football and basketball. she describes his personality as aggressive, emotional, friendly, stubborn and unhappy. little information is known regarding the alleged birth father's extended family and/or his health and medical history due to the fact that he is denying being the father.
decision to place child for adoption:
the decision to place this child for adoption was a difficult decision for the birth mother to make. she was concerned about the child and about wanting to make sure that the child has the best life possible. she decided on adoption because of the hopes that she had for the child and knew that she could not provide the kind of life for this child that she would like for the child to have. she also had great concern that the alleged birth father would want to continue to have a relationship with the child and that he would not be a good influence in the child's life. she was also concerned that the alleged birth father would not allow the child to be sealed to her and a future husband and for this reason thought that the child would be best raised in an adoptive home where the child could be sealed to her parents and not have those concerns. she also felt strongly that the child be raised in a home where it had bi-racial siblings or the ability to be taught and raised with a healthy self-image regarding its mixed racial background. she felt the likelihood of her marrying a black man was very slim and that this child would not feel comfortable in a home with all caucasian siblings. the birth mother stated that she prayed and thought a lot about what decision she should make and that she truly felt that adoption was the best choice for this child. she wanted the child to grow up knowing that she chose adoption for this child because she loved the baby and wanted the baby to have the best life possible. the birth mother was very involved in selecting a family for this child. she looked through a number of profiles, but when she read through your profile she stopped and said "this is it." she stated she did not want to read any more, that she knew this was the family she wanted. when asked what she was feeling she got tears in her eyes and said, "confirmation. i know this is the right family."
future contact:
the birth mother is very much open to receiving contact from the adoptive parents and would like to receive letters and pictures during the time that is allowed. she would like to receive letters and pictures for the first few months and has not decided at this point for how long she would like to continue the contact. she has also expressed and interest in having contact from the baby when the child reaches adulthood. this, of course, will be determined by the adoptive parents and the child herself. however, the birth mother did want it known that if the adoptive parents and the child desired contact, that she would be happy to meet with them. she stated that she planned to write letters to the adoptive family and to the baby to express her feelings of love and will probably express in those letters her wishes regarding future contact. she has also made a gift for the baby to be passed on at the time of placement. she is respectful of the adoptive family and knows that they will now be the parents of this child and she has no desire to interrupt that bond. she has expressed only a desire for the adoptive family to do what is in the child's best interest.
where to even begin with all of this? so many of the questions that had been with me for years were just answered. i didnt even know what to do with myself but cry. i finally knew who i was. i mean really knew. my favorite sport to play growing up was volleyball. and thats what she loved. i am a music major. with an emphasis on piano. and thats what she wanted to do with her life. i realized we were so alike. our personalities. everything. i finally connected to someone. even my birth father. even though he didnt want to be my dad. i still felt that connection to him. just reading about him. i remember laughing through my tears when i read that he was stubborn. because that is so me. i am so ridiculously stubborn. and now i know where i get it. reading about all of this filled that hole. that void in me. gave me so much more strength.
after reading this i pulled out another folder. it was a bit smaller. i opened it and saw two letters inside. these are what really go to me. these letters are what renewed my testimony in the gospel and my faith that i was with the right family. growing up i have always struggled with myself. i had always felt like a burden on people but reading these letters made me realize that i have a purpose here on this earth. and that purpose started the moment i was put into my birth mothers stomach. there was one part of one of her letters that hit me so hard and threw my emotions over the edge. this is what she said:
"i had made some terrible mistakes in my life up until this point. but to me karlee will always be a blessing. i know for a fact that had she not come into my life i would have still been wondering. she helped me find my way back to the lord...i knew that the lord let me get pregnant for two reasons. the first because he knew that i would find my testimony of the gospel again and two because there was a family waiting that was not yet complete! she is my miracle child and i thank the lord everyday for her. i hope someday she will truly understand the reason and my sacrifice involved with this decision."
i had no idea. this was not what i was expecting at all. but it made me realize how much God and our parents care about us. and this wasnt easy for her. i finally understand it all. and it has changed me as a person.
after reading all of this i just layed there. there was one thing that i couldnt get out of my mind. the fact that God gave his son to the world because he had a purpose. there was something that he needed to do on earth so he gave his son to us. he sacrificed his only son. who he loved more than anything. mary was pregnant and she wasnt married. this had to have been hard for her. but it happened for a reason. then i realized something. this is the same story of my birth mother. she got pregnant for a reason. and she sacrificed her only daughter. because she knew that i had a purpose in life and that it was what she was supposed to do. no matter how hard it was. she sacrificed her only daughter. and she loved me more than anything. i have so much love and respect for this woman. she gave me the life i have and the family i need and love so much. i will never be able to repay her. this is where my testimony comes in.
i know that i am with the family i am supposed to be with. no matter how i got here. and i am so blessed to have so many people out there that care about and love me. i am so blessed. i know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church. and i will back that up till the day that i die. there is no way i can ever deny it. i am so thankful for my birth mother and her choice to give me what she couldnt. i am so thankful for the family i have now. i love them more than anything in this world and would not be my self with out them. i want to finish off with a quote off the gift my birth mother gave me when i was born.
non-identifying background information:
birth mother:
the birth mother of this child is a 20 year old caucasian female of english descent. she is single and has never been married. she describes herself as being emotional, friendly, happy, outgoing, and self-confident. she indicates she enjoys volleyball, basketball, piano, crafts, painting, water skiing, and camping. she has expressed an interest in pursuing further schooling in the areas in foreign language, specifically spanish, and music, specifically piano. she indicates that she is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and that she was raised in an active family. she stands 5 ft. 8-1/2 in. tall, has a regular weight of 130 lbs., has brown hair and blue eyes. she describes her complexion as fair and her physical features as being medium build, long-limbed and semi-muscular.
birth father:
the birth father has been identified by the birth mother as a black male of unknown age and unknown decent. he has denied that he is in fact the father, but the birth mother indicates that he is the father and the only possible father. she states that he stands 6 ft. 3 in. tall and weighs approximately 210 lbs. she states that he has a large build, black hair and brown eyes. she reports that his interests are camping, football and basketball. she describes his personality as aggressive, emotional, friendly, stubborn and unhappy. little information is known regarding the alleged birth father's extended family and/or his health and medical history due to the fact that he is denying being the father.
decision to place child for adoption:
the decision to place this child for adoption was a difficult decision for the birth mother to make. she was concerned about the child and about wanting to make sure that the child has the best life possible. she decided on adoption because of the hopes that she had for the child and knew that she could not provide the kind of life for this child that she would like for the child to have. she also had great concern that the alleged birth father would want to continue to have a relationship with the child and that he would not be a good influence in the child's life. she was also concerned that the alleged birth father would not allow the child to be sealed to her and a future husband and for this reason thought that the child would be best raised in an adoptive home where the child could be sealed to her parents and not have those concerns. she also felt strongly that the child be raised in a home where it had bi-racial siblings or the ability to be taught and raised with a healthy self-image regarding its mixed racial background. she felt the likelihood of her marrying a black man was very slim and that this child would not feel comfortable in a home with all caucasian siblings. the birth mother stated that she prayed and thought a lot about what decision she should make and that she truly felt that adoption was the best choice for this child. she wanted the child to grow up knowing that she chose adoption for this child because she loved the baby and wanted the baby to have the best life possible. the birth mother was very involved in selecting a family for this child. she looked through a number of profiles, but when she read through your profile she stopped and said "this is it." she stated she did not want to read any more, that she knew this was the family she wanted. when asked what she was feeling she got tears in her eyes and said, "confirmation. i know this is the right family."
future contact:
the birth mother is very much open to receiving contact from the adoptive parents and would like to receive letters and pictures during the time that is allowed. she would like to receive letters and pictures for the first few months and has not decided at this point for how long she would like to continue the contact. she has also expressed and interest in having contact from the baby when the child reaches adulthood. this, of course, will be determined by the adoptive parents and the child herself. however, the birth mother did want it known that if the adoptive parents and the child desired contact, that she would be happy to meet with them. she stated that she planned to write letters to the adoptive family and to the baby to express her feelings of love and will probably express in those letters her wishes regarding future contact. she has also made a gift for the baby to be passed on at the time of placement. she is respectful of the adoptive family and knows that they will now be the parents of this child and she has no desire to interrupt that bond. she has expressed only a desire for the adoptive family to do what is in the child's best interest.
where to even begin with all of this? so many of the questions that had been with me for years were just answered. i didnt even know what to do with myself but cry. i finally knew who i was. i mean really knew. my favorite sport to play growing up was volleyball. and thats what she loved. i am a music major. with an emphasis on piano. and thats what she wanted to do with her life. i realized we were so alike. our personalities. everything. i finally connected to someone. even my birth father. even though he didnt want to be my dad. i still felt that connection to him. just reading about him. i remember laughing through my tears when i read that he was stubborn. because that is so me. i am so ridiculously stubborn. and now i know where i get it. reading about all of this filled that hole. that void in me. gave me so much more strength.
after reading this i pulled out another folder. it was a bit smaller. i opened it and saw two letters inside. these are what really go to me. these letters are what renewed my testimony in the gospel and my faith that i was with the right family. growing up i have always struggled with myself. i had always felt like a burden on people but reading these letters made me realize that i have a purpose here on this earth. and that purpose started the moment i was put into my birth mothers stomach. there was one part of one of her letters that hit me so hard and threw my emotions over the edge. this is what she said:
"i had made some terrible mistakes in my life up until this point. but to me karlee will always be a blessing. i know for a fact that had she not come into my life i would have still been wondering. she helped me find my way back to the lord...i knew that the lord let me get pregnant for two reasons. the first because he knew that i would find my testimony of the gospel again and two because there was a family waiting that was not yet complete! she is my miracle child and i thank the lord everyday for her. i hope someday she will truly understand the reason and my sacrifice involved with this decision."
i had no idea. this was not what i was expecting at all. but it made me realize how much God and our parents care about us. and this wasnt easy for her. i finally understand it all. and it has changed me as a person.
after reading all of this i just layed there. there was one thing that i couldnt get out of my mind. the fact that God gave his son to the world because he had a purpose. there was something that he needed to do on earth so he gave his son to us. he sacrificed his only son. who he loved more than anything. mary was pregnant and she wasnt married. this had to have been hard for her. but it happened for a reason. then i realized something. this is the same story of my birth mother. she got pregnant for a reason. and she sacrificed her only daughter. because she knew that i had a purpose in life and that it was what she was supposed to do. no matter how hard it was. she sacrificed her only daughter. and she loved me more than anything. i have so much love and respect for this woman. she gave me the life i have and the family i need and love so much. i will never be able to repay her. this is where my testimony comes in.
i know that i am with the family i am supposed to be with. no matter how i got here. and i am so blessed to have so many people out there that care about and love me. i am so blessed. i know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church. and i will back that up till the day that i die. there is no way i can ever deny it. i am so thankful for my birth mother and her choice to give me what she couldnt. i am so thankful for the family i have now. i love them more than anything in this world and would not be my self with out them. i want to finish off with a quote off the gift my birth mother gave me when i was born.
not of my flesh,
nor,
of my bone,
but still,
miraculously my own.
never forget.
for a single moment,
you didnt grow under my heart.
but in it.
