today

i was sitting in the library. and i had the random urge to look up his facebook. seeing the pictures of us together sent an unreal amount of emotions through my body. then of course. i never told you had to come on. on my ipod. the one song that describes how i feel perfectly. and what makes that song hit home even more? the fact that he has the most beautiful blue eyes that i have ever seen. so naturally. i went home. and put on his shorts. and his shirt. and cried. i have never wanted to tell him i love him so badly.

i never told you.

I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night

I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I'm not
Around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
(still you're gone)
Can't believe that I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

the breakup.

well. as many of you know.(that know me personally)know that recently i have gone through a break up. i havent said much about it. mostly because i wasnt ready to talk about it. but. i think i will share now. as i have said many times before on my blog. he is amazing. and the best thing that has ever happened to me. up to this point in my life. i will never deny that. he has helped me become a better person since the moment i met him. we dated for almost five months. yes. not the longest amount of time. but the hardest best times i think i have ever had were in those months. he treats me like a gem. and lets me know that i am perfect the way i am. i dont think either of us saw our break up as a shock. we had been having difficult times for the month before. and i had been having doubts. i know i love him. but being so young i have no idea what being in love actually is even though i thought i did. one day i would feel completely in love. and another day i wouldnt. and it scared me. so i broke up with him. not only was i scared but i had everyone telling me that i needed to date more. not necessarily steady date someone. but date more. and i decided that that was what i was going to do. we had our issues after our break up. and like i have said here. we were hardly talking. though i didnt show it i was missing him like crazy. because he was the best friend i had ever had in my life. someone that i never doubted and that i knew that i could trust with my whole heart. days went by and we finally started talking again. every once and a while. not long conversations. but at least a couple texts. things now are still weird between us. and are definitely not the same. but we are trying to work things out so we can at least salvage our friendship. and later down the road maybe try things again if it feels right. but through all of this and missing him and dating other guys i have realized what things are important to me and what things arent. i am starting to realize what being in love is. i dont have it completely but slowly i am getting little bits and pieces. i am taking a break from boys right now. just dating a lot. no kissing no holding hands. just innocent dates. and seeing what happens. one thing out of all this that i have realized is that i am not going to just let him walk out of my life. i am not ready to completely split from him. and he still consumes more than half of my mind for more than sixty percent of my day. i dont know what is going to happen with us. but i want to try and bring us back together. because in all honesty. i want him. and i miss him. everything about him. and i will never be able to stand him being with someone else. as of now. we are still in our awkward stage. but i am not going to let it stay like that for long. im learning a lot about relationships. and even though i am taking breaks from boys. i am still going to apply what i have learned to our friendship to let him know that i am going to keep trying and that i am willing to put in more effort. the effort i didnt put into our relationship before. i dont know whats going to happen with us. i havent seen him in almost a month. which feels like forever. and the next time i will see him is in about three weeks. so that will be around six and a half weeks from the last time i have seen him. i hope things will go good. but who knows. all i can do is pray for the best.

i'll keep you updated.

in the jungle. the mighty jungle.

this has been a great thanksgiving break. i have loved it. i have got to spend so much time with my family. i have really missed them away at college. moving back home becomes more appealing to me everyday. anywho. this break is treating me well.

today was fantastic. just a completely magical day. spent it all day with my family. in the wild animal park. yeah. thats right. in the wild animal park. looking at lions and new three month old gorilla babies and watching cheetahs run at seventy miles an hour and the best getting like twenty feet from giraffes. i was in heaven. i mean. i would much rather be doing this then dealing with super grumpy overly anxious early morning shoppers. but thats just me. and what made this even better. we planked. and we got my mom and my uncle in on it. i now have bruises on my hip bones. but it was so worth it. over all. it was a great day. wouldnt trade it for anythin. well. here are some pictures if you are interested in the slightest.

decor.

i loved how we set the tables. it was very festive.

thanks thanks thanks

its thanksgiving. personally i think thanksgiving is a trooper for never getting angry while christmas infringes on her every year. she is a holiday too ya know. but anyway. its that time of year that everyone says what they are thankful for. and i am gonna jump on that band wagon. i am thankful for a lot of things. but here are just a couple things that i could not live without. and am extremely grateful for.

first my family.

i am so lucky to have people like them in my life. my sister and my mom are my best friends. and i could never ask for better because they are the best that you get. 

and my brother and my dad. my dad is so loving and kind that just being around him makes you want to be a better person. then there is ben. he is my big brother. and though we dont talk a lot i know he loves me. he is the guy you can count on when you are craving sushi. he will always go with you.

second are my friends.

i dont have a picture of all of them together or i would put it up. 

madi, haley, kari, kate, rachel m, melanie, and erin.

they all have helped me in some way these past couple months and i will forever be so grateful for all of them. they are the best of friends you could ever have.

and third. my cat.

i know that it might sound dumb.
but my kitty has helped me so much. because when i first got to school i didnt have many friends and you know all that kinda stuff but i got to cuddle with my kitty every night. animals are the best. and i love her so much.

life has been good to me. and i am thankful for everything that i have.
i am blessed.
very very blessed.

not okay.

after having to keep it to myself for months.

 i decided that i needed to let this out into the open. 

you see this window.?

well. its the window right across from me.

she leaves her lights on all day. 

and i swear all night.

but.

wanna know whats worse than leaving her lights on?

her walking around.

completely.

100%

naked.

yep. 

pretty much every night when i walk into my room.

i see her just walking around.

naked. 

there have been a few occasions.

where she has been dancing in her underwear as well.

its quite disturbing. 

i might put a sign on my window.

letting her know that the whole outside world can see her.

 we just love college right?

oh dear, breaking dawn.

i dont know what is appealing to women, and maybe some very confused men, about a way too pale, blood sucking, over protecting boyfriend/husband. and a ware wolf that hates the world that insists on never having a shirt on and imprints on an hour year old baby. let me tell you. i wasnt one of the girls that couldnt sleep the night before the movie came out and was first in line at midnight with a "team whoever" shirt on. but i was one of the girls that once i got hold of those books. no one saw me till i was finished.

tonight. i saw breaking dawn. i wont act like i wasnt excited to see it. because i was. i have seen all the other ones so it was about time to watch what happens next. not just read it. i went with my sister and my father. let me give you a little piece of advice. never go see a teen drama romance movie with your father and sit right next to him. unless you love those awkward uncomfortable sex scene moments. though i am mature enough to handle these things. i dont think i will ever be mature enough to watch them with my father. especially when he is leaning over and asking me things like. wait. why did he break the bed. and. why does she have bruises. and. why is he mad about what they did. i think i will stick to pg and g rated movies with him.

and does anyone else think that its slightly creepy that an adult male falls completely head over heels for a new born baby? i mean. isnt it a little pedophile-ish? maybe thats just me. but you know what. in the end. the movie did keep me entertained for the night. and thats exactly what i wanted. so i cant complain.

i mean. the movie was good. but i may have enjoyed the hunger games preview a little more.

its a mustache day.

its been a crafty day.

for me at least. 

i woke up and was like hey. 

i wanna make something.

and everyone knows i like mustaches.

so i mustache mobile came out of my day.

i must say. 

im really proud of myself.

its not the prettiest. 

but.

at least i went for it. 

tonight. 

ill have the best dreams.

ever.

new new new

well.
it was time for a change.
i needed to show a little more..
personality?
on my blog.
i think i accomplished that.
this is my new blog.
i hope you like it.
i am going to actually stay on top of it.
and this time.
im not editing anything.
you.
from now on.
are going to know the real me.
the unedited me.

hopefully you will stick around.

cause i can be weird.

marriage

today in church.

they talked about how marriage is something, we as single people in college, should be thinking about and considering.

well. every time the word marriage came up. 

i thought of princess bride. 

you know. that one line.

"mwage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that 


bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam... "


"And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva..."


"So tweasure your wuv."






and every time. it made me laugh. 


this to me is a sign. that i am not ready to be married.
not mature enough yet.


but when this line doesnt come to my head.


then i will think about it.


thank you princess bride for your hidden signs.

the last two years. with john mayer.

i was doing my laundry when we first really connected.
on a different level that is.
he asked me what my song of the day was.
i said. your body is a wonderland.
by john mayer.
i had been listening to it at that moment.
of course.
john had to be his idol artist.
and of course.
he had to be mine as well.
then i asked what his favorite john song was.
vultures was his answer.
i remember listening to it all day.
as our talking increased.
to six hour talks through the night on my balcony.
johns albums became the theme of whatever it was we were.
because at four o'clock in the morning.
you tend to say stupid things.
and john said it perfectly with my stupid mouth.
see. i lived in new york city.
he didnt.
so city love was a song that he always told me to listen to.
he soon after left to serve his two years.
i cried.
and i cried a lot.
and listened to my messages.
just to hear his voice.
right after he left.
i left  on a trip to brasil for two weeks.
as i sat down on the plane.
your body is a wonderland came on as the rest of the passengers took their seats.
i excused myself to the bathroom.
and i bawled.
i listened to john everyday for my whole trip.
even though it didnt help.
i felt closer to him.
when i got home i had letters waiting for me.
which i hastily replied to.
johns new album had recently come out.
he hadnt heard it yet.
so i said i would buy him a copy.
and have it waiting for when he got home.
i wrote him for a year.
he was my best friend if nothing else.
though because of his words.
i thought we were more.
he had something else in mind.
and was writing another girl.
i was hurt.
i was angry.
and through the whole process.
we both said hurtful things.
just as we first really connected with a john song.
we lost that whole connection with a john song.
i will never be able to listen to slow dancing in a burning room again.
to this day.
the song still hits a nerve that i dont wanna feel.
im gonna find another you.
the heart of life.
heartbreak warfare.
and dreaming with a broken heart.
were a few of the songs by john that i fell asleep to every night.
in his john mayer shirt.
crying once again.
i dont know if he hurt as much as i did.
because he had someone.
i didnt.
it took me six months.
after this year of writing.
to be able to get through a day without thinking of him.
or reading our letters.
i gave his ring to his best friend.
neatly folded his shirts.
and tucked away his letters in a box in the top of my closet.
where his john mayer battle studies album sits.
hoping that the memories would fade.
i finally let go of the world that i was in.
it was hard.
but i did it.
now two years later.
as i am doing my laundry.
and your body is a wonderland is playing.
my facebook news feed.
shows me his wall.
letting me know he has arrived home.
he is home from serving the Lord.
as much as i wish i could be there.
and tell him what a great job he has done.
and be in his presence.
the girl that he was writing waited for him.
and wrote him faithfully for two years.
she has loved him since her sophomore year of high school.
though two years ago i never would have said this.
even a year ago.
you would never catch these words leaving my mouth.
but i am happy for them.
and i wish nothing but the best for them.
she deserves to have him.
though i have had my fare share of hard feelings against her.
i am glad she got what she wanted.
not just what she wanted.
but what she needed.
she is an amazing woman.
and it took stepping away from the situation to see that.
but i see it now.
in two years i have changed a lot.
hopefully for the better.
i want different things now.
than i did then.
of course i still wonder if i will ever talk to him again.
or pass by him with a nod.
or even just a hello.
but as of recent i have completely put my trust.
into the loving hands of my father in heaven.
he will do whats best for me.
i dont know what i would say to him.
or if i would even have something to say to him.
all i have left to say now is.
you did it.
you faithfully waited.
and i am honestly very happy for you.
and.

welcome home elder.

the Lord is proud.

hello uvu.

so. i am moving back in with the parentals. just until i have enough money to move out again, but as of now. i am headed back up north. i am leaving this home i have made down here in my little cedar city. and going to the nest in lindon. i am no longer a tbird but a wolverine. i think thats what it is. i really have no clue.but all in all. i think my choice will pay off in the end. though right now. its not a comfortable thought.

ew.

i have gone through a break up and. to say it in the best way possible. i am lost and confused. after being with someone for nearly five months. you forget how to be alone. the sad thing is we dont even talk anymore. i mean if you consider one text maybe twice a week talking then we chat it up like crazy. other than that. we are non existent in each others lives. i guess the things that happen to us are for a reason? but some times. i wanna punch that reason in the face.