WELL MY SUMMERS BOOKED. but thats okay.
ill still be having fun.
lots of parades.
lots of meetings.
and.
lots of memories.
so.
i did the miss Pleasant Grove Scholarship Pageant.
it went well.
i got fourth attendant.
and i am very happy with that.
it was a very stressful couple of months.
but.
it paid off.
i finally get a crown.
a real one.
hahaha.
it was a life goal i guess.
for opening number.
i wore converse high tops on stage.
haha.
all the other girls had heels.
at first.
i was self conscious.
but it was my personality.
so who cares?
not me.
i liked my swim suit.
just simple black.
with a jeweled x on the back.
classy.
yet stylish.
i murdered my onstage question.
hahaha.
it was bad.
but oh well.
and i sang.
singing in front of people.
ahhh.
it gives me such a rush.
my passion for sure.
i sang happy by Leona Lewis.
i wore a red sparkly knee length dress.
i felt gorgeous.







and my evening gown.
ORANGE.
i loved it.
Lois spinder found it for me.
$15 bucks at ross.
yep.
we know how to shop.
or.
she does.
haha.
it was gorgeous.
and also made me feel so good in my skin.







all in all.
the pageant went so well.
and i had so much fun.
here are some shout outs.
to some people that i couldnt have done it with out.
my mother of course.
my sister.
always giving me moral support.
lois spinder.
my personal shopper.
Terry.
my pageant director.
staci spinder.
helped me through it all.
and my hostest Talia R.
all these people help me so much.
i could never thank them enough.
but.
i am saying it right now.
THANK.
YOU.

i love you all.
wish me luck to a busy.
and eventful.
but amazing.
pageant summer(:

the events of today were....different.
to say the least.
it was warm.
ahhhhhhhhh. YES. HEAT.
its about time.
it was one of those days that i will look back on in years to come.
and laugh out loud because it was so entertaining.
first it started out with me being on time to first period.
on time. that never happens.
the universe is finally working in my favor.
then in first period we watched remember the titans.
honestly. senior year is WORTHLESS.
worthless i tell you.
but thats okay.
then after first...i walked to second...who would have thought.
haha.
we finished learning our dance routine.
i love dancing. it makes me feel so alive.
but thats my opinion.
nothing very strange happened in this period.
off to third.
third was weird.
i got a long with the boys that sit at my table.
usually.
they are the most annoying things on the face of the earth.
but today. they werent.
i took notes in math. and listened.
then at the end of class. the student teacher gave me a donut.
"because i was so good today"
are we in preschool still??
but oh well...it was very satisfactory.
then there was lunch. mmm.
we went to haleys house and made breakfast burritos.
OHMYGOSH.
they were amazing. completely hit the spot.
then after lunch we went back to school.
and....
got in a car accident.
no i am not april fooling you.
we backed into Zak Hickens car. yeah.
totally rammed him.
luckily he is a nice kid.
hahah.
oh dear.
yeah so this is where it started getting weird.
i went to go talk to my FL teacher.
to turn in the paper i had written to clear my NC.
and yes he says to me.
"no. im not accepting this. you wrote it on the wrong movie."
yeah that happened. i almost died. i was not about to not get credit for a term of FL.
F(m)L.
then as i am leaving he says.
"you know what hallah...april fools"
who does that.?
WHO DOES THAT.
and who creates a holiday to mess with peoples minds.
at least i get credit now.
but i nearly had a heart attack.
then next was seminary with brin.
this is always a disaster.
today was refreshingly calm though.
until a giant bunny walks in with a basket full of eggs.
yeah.
asking her to prom.
i mean i wanna go to prom and all.
but not with a rabbit.
she was so embarrassed.
i sure got a good laugh out of that one.
then after school.
i had to go to the baseball game to sing the national anthem.
hahaha.
oh dear...
its cool.
we lost.
because of a stupid call that the ref made.
but dont get me started.
lots of things happened after school.
but i dont wanna give anymore of a play by play of my day.
all you need to know.
is that its one i will definitely be remembering.


ahhh. i love life.

broken leg. scraped skull. fractured wrist.

i broke my leg.
yes i broke my leg.
it hurts.
and thats saying the least.
i have a huge scrape on my head.
and a fractured wrist.
all from falling off the bleachers.
go me.

oh wait.

april fools.

exactly a week ago was the senior dinner dance.
i wore a vintage bright green dress.
savers $7.(rachel munoa)
since the dance is considered stag.
i went with the ladies.

Bekah
Missy
Adrian
Megan
Hillary
Brin
Kate
Haley
Kari
and
myself.

all together.
there were ten of us.
getting there was a bit of an adventure.
ads car .
ran out of gas.
lucky it ran out right around the corner.
hahaha.
that would happen.
but luckily.
the girls in her car.
made it safe and sound to the dance.

some people say.
that the dinner dance is sad.
because.
its like saying goodbye.
but for me.
it wasnt sad.
in the slightest.
it only made me more excited.
to have more.
and more.
exciting things happen.
with us girls.

so we ate lots of food.
and we danced all night.
and didnt care.
what people thought of us.
all in all.
it was a good night.
a definite success.

heartbreakwarefare.

honestly.
sometimes my mind can be the biggest brat i know.
when i am not interested in any body.
everything is easy.
and everything makes sense to me.
the thought of loving someone doesn't scare me.
loving someone actually seems easy.
but then...
right when my heart.
feels any spark of interest.
in any body.
my brain.
sends a signal to the rest of my body.
that its time to build those walls back up again.
my brain is constantly brewing thoughts.
like.
why put in the effort.?
he will only hurt you.
things will eventually end.
you will have to break up.
so why waste your time.?
you have other.
more important things to focus on...
at first these thoughts dont phase me.
but slowly they start to fester.
into each crack and crevice in my body and brain.
until they finally win.
in result.
i push away any feelings.
that i once had for a person.
and sometimes.
i push that person away completely.
to the point where we dont even talk.
i can always settle to be friends.
but there comes a point when i dont want to be just friends.
so my heart and mind are constantly fighting a battle.
usually my mind wins.
on a few.
very few.
occasions my heart has won.
but in the end my mind wins.
every thought that i had becomes true.
this doesnt help my case.
the truth is.
i have someone that is amazing.
handsome.
a gentleman.
funny.
smart.
caring.
a really good friend.
but with potential to be more.
like always.
i am scared to let my feelings for him go anywhere.
because then the walls will just build themselves back up.
and once they are up.
i dont know how to pull them down.

but one day things will be good.
so im gonna go with the flow.
everything will work itself out.
in the words of john mayer.

"its a heartbreak warfare"

a story of a boy.

this is a story of a boy.
a boy who grew up in switzerland.
a boy who was born on september 13th.
a boy who goes against the world.
a boy who is gay.
a boy who does not care what you think of it.
a boy who has creative powers.
a boy who loves lamas and owls.
a boy who will tell you his opinion.
a boy who isnt scared of what he can do.
a boy who isnt afraid to love.
a boy who knows just what you are thinking.
a boy who will not judge you.
a boy named soren jensen.


so this is a story of a boy.
a boy that i love like a brother.
but that.
coincidentally.
ended up being my cousin.
and best friend.

the last two weeks.
i have tried to focus on things i dont usually focus on.
i guess you could say.
the little things.
and let me tell ya.
its made me really grateful for everything.
for example.
this morning.
i had to go to attendance school.
had to be there at 6:15am.
so naturally.
i wasnt completely ready when i got in the car.
i was putting on my shoes.
and forgot to grab socks.
so yes.
my mother.
being the kind lady that she is.
took the socks off her feet.
and gave them to me.
now i dont have to go sockless.
its the little things like that.
that make you who you are.
kari.
she is exactly like this as well.
never does anything huge for me.
just lots of small things.
which means way more to me.
also.
my sister.
she always is doing little things.
that sadly.
i have taken for granted.
im trying not to anymore.
and appreciate the people in my life.
that do so much for me.

a good habit.

families are good.
but when families are your friend...
they are even better.
let me explain.
my sister and i didnt get along...
up until the summer after 9th grade.
now she is my best friend.
(besides kari)
we tell each other everything.
from the boys we've kissed.
to the grade we got on our math test.
my brother and i have never been close.
but we actually have conversations now.
this is a MEGA step forward for me.
its not that we didnt get along.
we just didnt care to get to know one another.
now we care.
now on the the parentals...
most teenagers think their parents are out to get them.
right?
or am i just crazy.
up until august of '09.
this was my mind set.
my parents hated me.
they didnt like my style.
they didnt like my taste is boys.
they didnt like my music.
they didnt like me.
and blahh blahh blahh...

you get where im going.

but ever since we did stuff together as a family.
every saturday in new york.
me and my parents have gotten along much better.
butttt....
mostly what i want to talk about is my daddy.
my dad is awesome.
my mom was out of town this last couple days.
and we hung out.
i never thought hanging out with my dad could be fun
first he took me to a byu game.
we both love basketball so it was fun.
we really got into it.
and after that.
he took me to dinner.
the next day he took me and kari out to dinner.
yeah took both of us.
and on the way there he gave us boy advice.
haha.
this was awesome.
he talked about how he fell in love with my mom.
he is still madly in love with this woman.
its amazing.
then the next day.
he took me to a movie.
and bought me popcorn.
and a drink.
and he also thoroughly embarrassed me.
infront of one of my guy friends.
that works at the theater.
thanks dad!
and for today.
he took me to get ice cream.
drove me all the way to american fork.
just to go to karis work.
to get the exact ice cream.
and just to see kari.
all in all.
i never realized how good of a person my daddy is.
i guess i have never given him the time of day.
or even tried to know him.
but now that i know.
i can actually have fun with him.
im gonna make this one a habit.

sunday sunday sunday.

3:10pm.

Kari comes over for our usual movie sunday.

(Anastasia)

3:45pm

i fall asleep watching anastasia.

4:25pm

Kari runs home for family dinner.

and boyds birthday bash.

7:30pm

soren arrives at my house.

7:40pm

Kari arrives once again.

things start to get weird.

8:00pm

things go off the deep end.

soren cant control his urges.

so it gets smelly.

kari gets slap happy.

whats new.

which makes me slap happy.

which makes her even more slap happy.

which makes me even more slap happy.

...

you get the picture.

8:10pm

soren discovers the space under the vent.

never seen someone so curious&interested in something so...boring?

we call tj and tell him to come over.

8:20pm

we go upstairs.

the dogs attack us.

soren finds the dust blower.

not a good thing.

soren attacks kari with it.

we think she pees.

but thankfully.

this time she didnt.

8:40pm

tj arrives as hungry as can be.

kari serves him ALL the food in my house.

and doesnt leave any.

(FAST FORWARD)

11:45pm

kari is still over.

(i wont let her leave)

still slap happy.

has happy hands now.

we are tired.

so naturally we find everything funny.

EVERYTHING.

we have taken multiple pictures on iphoto.

which i probably will not remember half of them in the morning.

we are just on one.

and still goin strong.

nights like these are what best friends are for.

i can do hard things.

the last month and a half has been a trying one.
to say the least.
its that moment in my life where everything seems to be going terribly wrong.
school.
its going down hill.
one of my NYR was to graduate.
i thought that would be easy.
but...its not.
i havent been as close to some of my friends as i would like.
i have been learning way too much about myself.
sometimes.
i wish i could be a stranger to myself.
if that makes sense.
i have to remind myself everyday.
to get out of bed.
i have to push myself to get dressed.
and i have to have my mother pull me out the door.
to get to school.
my senior year isnt everything i thought it would be.
its been better.
and its been worse.
in all.
completely different than i thought it would be.
i have to remember though.
that there are so SO many people around me.
that really love me.
not that fake it to get higher socially.
not that only like me for my looks.
not that like me because of things i may have.
sometimes i forget that.
but i need to focus more on the people that love me for me.
that will make things easier.
life is unfair.
life is crazy.
life is hard.
but i just need to remember everyday.

I CAN DO HARD THINGS.