HALLAH MIKAELA

up until now my life has been so carefully placed and planned out for me.
you know how it is. your parents have say in pretty much everything you do.
they planned the preschool you went to the grade school you went to.
the junior high you went to and in most cases the high school you went to or go to now.
they gave you a curfew that you have to abide by. and if you didnt stick to that curfew.
they gave you a consequence. they gave you rules on the boys or girls you could date.
the friends you could hang out with. and if you dated or hung out with any boy or girl.
lower than that standard that was set for your family. you would know about the disappointment.
you are expected to go to church every sunday with them.
and you are expected to do chores.


this is how my life is. i am not complaining. if anything it has been nice.
i can look to them to tell me what i can and cant do.
if some one asks me on a date. i can ask my mom if she is okay with it.
if a friend invites me on a vacation i ask my parents for permission.
and even though at times it is frustrating. thats how its been.
but now. everything is about to change. thirty six days. thats all i have left.
i have thirty six days left of my tailor made life.


the more i think about it. the more frightened i become.
i am on my own. not completely. but enough to scare me.
i cant ask my mom, every time i get asked out, if its okay.
i dont have to have permission to go on a road trip with friends.
i can stay out as late as i want. and know that there is going to be no consequence.
except maybe being tired in the morning.
its a feeling of unsure excitement. unsure that i will have the best judgment.
but excited that i can judge for myself.


i wait for these thirty six days to pass with great anticipation.
knowing that in these last days of the life. that i know now. and have known for so long.
i must listen to every word of advice from my parents. every simple word.
that comes from their mouths could be the words that i reflect back on in hard times.
im excited. to say the least. for me its an adventure. but. i am also scared out of my mind.
im about to step out into the unknown. and start a whole new part of my life.
nothing from here on out. is planned for me. everything from here on out. i plan for me.
holding my future in my own two hands is scary. and at times i wish.
i could give the burden of it back to my parents. but at the same time.
knowing that what i do with the rest of my life is my choice.
gives me so much excitement.


to say that i am nervous. well that would be an understatement.
colbie caillet said it best in her song tailor made.

"twenty five of all of these mixed emotions tangled up in pure confusion, its hard to let go of the past though it seems easier as time keeps movin"

those word always seem to creep back into my head as i think about my future.
its true. i am confused. so confused its ridiculous.
and its also true. that i dont want to let go of my present which will soon be my past.
but with everyday that goes by. it will be easier to slowly loosen my grasp.
around all of the yesterdays that i hold so dearly to me.
of course. i will never forget any of the memories i have made in this mapped out life of mine.
but i do look forward to making more memories in the up coming chapter of my story.