the breakup.

well. as many of you know.(that know me personally)know that recently i have gone through a break up. i havent said much about it. mostly because i wasnt ready to talk about it. but. i think i will share now. as i have said many times before on my blog. he is amazing. and the best thing that has ever happened to me. up to this point in my life. i will never deny that. he has helped me become a better person since the moment i met him. we dated for almost five months. yes. not the longest amount of time. but the hardest best times i think i have ever had were in those months. he treats me like a gem. and lets me know that i am perfect the way i am. i dont think either of us saw our break up as a shock. we had been having difficult times for the month before. and i had been having doubts. i know i love him. but being so young i have no idea what being in love actually is even though i thought i did. one day i would feel completely in love. and another day i wouldnt. and it scared me. so i broke up with him. not only was i scared but i had everyone telling me that i needed to date more. not necessarily steady date someone. but date more. and i decided that that was what i was going to do. we had our issues after our break up. and like i have said here. we were hardly talking. though i didnt show it i was missing him like crazy. because he was the best friend i had ever had in my life. someone that i never doubted and that i knew that i could trust with my whole heart. days went by and we finally started talking again. every once and a while. not long conversations. but at least a couple texts. things now are still weird between us. and are definitely not the same. but we are trying to work things out so we can at least salvage our friendship. and later down the road maybe try things again if it feels right. but through all of this and missing him and dating other guys i have realized what things are important to me and what things arent. i am starting to realize what being in love is. i dont have it completely but slowly i am getting little bits and pieces. i am taking a break from boys right now. just dating a lot. no kissing no holding hands. just innocent dates. and seeing what happens. one thing out of all this that i have realized is that i am not going to just let him walk out of my life. i am not ready to completely split from him. and he still consumes more than half of my mind for more than sixty percent of my day. i dont know what is going to happen with us. but i want to try and bring us back together. because in all honesty. i want him. and i miss him. everything about him. and i will never be able to stand him being with someone else. as of now. we are still in our awkward stage. but i am not going to let it stay like that for long. im learning a lot about relationships. and even though i am taking breaks from boys. i am still going to apply what i have learned to our friendship to let him know that i am going to keep trying and that i am willing to put in more effort. the effort i didnt put into our relationship before. i dont know whats going to happen with us. i havent seen him in almost a month. which feels like forever. and the next time i will see him is in about three weeks. so that will be around six and a half weeks from the last time i have seen him. i hope things will go good. but who knows. all i can do is pray for the best.

i'll keep you updated.