slapjack.

this game might be slightly hazardous.

when you play with kate and haley.

when it comes to this game.

haley has anger issues.

and kate.

well.

she is the reigning champ.

as for me.

i never knew that i was actually good at cards.

yeahh.

we will be playing this all night.

everyone needs him.

at school a teacher tells the class, today i will prove to you that god is evil.

he asks a student, "did god create everything?" "of course" "then if god created everything then he also created evil, am i right"

then another student stands up, "professor, can i ask you if cold exists?" professor "of course, do you not know what being cold feels like?"

the student says, "actually sir, 'cold' does not exist. its the absence of heat. you cant study cold, you can only study and watch heat and the affects of what it has on energy. there is nothing when it is cold." then he asks the 2nd question "Sir, does darkness exists?"

"of course" says the professor.

"wrong" the student continues. "Darkness is the absence of light. scientists can study the affects of darkness, only light. you cant measure darkness like you can light. you cant bend it, straighten it, or do anything with darkness. its only there when there is no light." then the student asks again, "sir, does evil exists?"

the professor wondering himself now, "of course it does, we see it everyday all around us. murders, robbery and other crimes are part of nothing but evil."

The student says, "Sir, Evil does not exist, Evil is the absence of God. just like cold is the absence of heat, and darkness is the absence of light. Evil is the result of when man doesnt have gods presence at heart. Without god, you become the cold, the darkness and the evil. God did not create evil."

The professor sat down.The young man’s name — Albert Einstein.

STOP.DROP.ANDROLL.

if i had remembered this maybe i could have saved my hair.
my hair that i have been working on for years to grow out.
apparently fire likes me.
or maybe i am not fire educated.
my favorite sweater caught fire a couple months ago.
the arm caught on fire.
it was still on my body.
i didnt stop drop and roll.
then i was lighting the bbq.
and i guess i left the gas on too long.
then lit the match.
my eye brows and hair caught fire.
again.
i didnt stop drop and roll.
thats the last time i light a bbq.
so i will be getting extensions this saturday.

please everyone.

dont play with fire.

tagyoureit.

life is just a game of tag. a very very long one at that.
actually freeze tag sounds more accurate.
we are constantly running away from things.
our problems.
choices that we have to make.
sins that we have committed.
and so on.
i may just be speaking for myself.
but still.
its true.
we run as long as we can.
meaning we push things away.
so we dont have to deal with them.
then when they finally catch up to us.
"tag" us.
we freeze.
either because we dont know what to do.
or because we are scared.
we wait there.
till someone that hasnt been "tagged"with their own problems.
comes along and unfreezes us.
they help us make the decisions we need to.
or get the help we need.
and after we have been thawed of our problems.
the game of tag starts all over again.
except this time we are smarter.
we know how to dodge certain things.
and how to sneak by others.
still.
we get caught again.
and the cycle goes and goes.
this is true for me.
im not sure if it is for you.
but for me its how it goes.

seven days left. someone please help.

seven days left of my high school  career. 

it will take all.

ALL.

of Gods angels to keep me sane.

and.

keep me going to class.

and i swear.

if i have to hear that kid.

in my B2 class.

talk about beyonce being a satin worshiper.

one more time.

i might lose it.

all is fair in love and war.

all is fair in love and war.
i cant decide if i believe that.
because its not fair.
its not fair that i feel this way about you.
and its not fair that every time i take that first step.
taking my guard down and letting you in.
i get hurt.
not just hurt. but pretty much murdered.
my mom accuses me with giving my whole heart to people.
much too fast.
and im starting to see what she means.

if you read any of my other posts. youll see that i use music to represent some of my feelings. well most of my feelings as a matter of fact. and the song that i listen to now while dealing with this new found hurt of mine. christina aguilera. you lost me. not all the song completely matches the situation. but a lot of the lines in the song state my feelings exactly. "she has won. now its no fun. weve lost it all. the love is gone.and we had magic and this is tragic" "i feel like a worlds been infected. and some how you left me neglected. we found our lives been changed. babe. you lost me." "and we tried oh how we cried. we lost ourselves. the love is died.and though we tried. we cant deny. were left as shells we lost a fight." is there ever a point where, even though it hurts. you just need to give up and move on. because i think i might be at that point. because this time the more i think i about you the more it seems to confuse me and hurt me. and i cant deal with it.

you see.

i honestly felt like this was different.

i thought maybe this time we could make it work.

i was so happy.

like i always am.

when you are in my life.

you get me. you really know me.

and we have so much fun.

but i guess sometimes that is just not enough.

you had me so excited with what we really could be.

honestly.

i do want you to be happy. 

and if you are happy.

then its time for me to pick up.

and move on.

goodbye.

life isnt always what you expect it to be. actually its never what you expect it to be. im friends with people now. that in my freshman year.i never would have even thought possible.my sister is the person that i am closest with. and if you know our history.you would know how far we have come.i have learned a lot about myself lately. i have learned that i take way too much of my life for granted. i don't stop and "smell the roses" you could say. and i will be honest with everyone. i have some major flaws in my life that i need to change. i need to learn how to let things go. grudges and things along those lines. because honestly they eat you up inside. i need to learn to communicate with people in an effective way. because there is way too much miss communication in my life. there is one blog i follow. http://xaxtwistedxfairytalex.blogspot.com/ .follow her. read her blog for about a week and you will have a completely new outlook on life. let me explain why i am bringing this up. it has to do with a character flaw that i have. this girl i never liked much. honestly i dont know why. i didnt even know her. had never said a word to her in my life. i just really did not like her. i dont know how i came across her blog. but one day i did. i read one post. then another. then another then another. then after sitting there for about an hour i finally pulled my eyes away from the screen. this girl was amazing. and i had no reason on earth to hate her. the next day i saw her at school. she was gorgeous and friendly and everyone seemed to love her. i went home that day and read more on her blog. i learned so much about her. and let me tell you. even though i dont know this girl personally i feel like i do.and i could never dislike her even if i tried. she has gone through so much in her life that i look up to how strong she is. and if anything i love her. even though i dont know her i pray for her. because she is someone that deserves it. im saying all this because i judged her before i even knew her. and even though now i still have never met her because i know more about her i know that she is one of the most amazing people out there. its something i need to work on. this judging people thing. because you never ever know what is going on in other peoples lives. and its not our place to judge. and i would hope that no one would ever judge me before they knew me. so i cannot be a hypocrite. its just somethings i have been thinking about. and something that i really need to work on.

up until now my life has been so carefully placed and planned out for me.
you know how it is. your parents have say in pretty much everything you do.
they planned the preschool you went to the grade school you went to.
the junior high you went to and in most cases the high school you went to or go to now.
they gave you a curfew that you have to abide by. and if you didnt stick to that curfew.
they gave you a consequence. they gave you rules on the boys or girls you could date.
the friends you could hang out with. and if you dated or hung out with any boy or girl.
lower than that standard that was set for your family. you would know about the disappointment.
you are expected to go to church every sunday with them.
and you are expected to do chores.


this is how my life is. i am not complaining. if anything it has been nice.
i can look to them to tell me what i can and cant do.
if some one asks me on a date. i can ask my mom if she is okay with it.
if a friend invites me on a vacation i ask my parents for permission.
and even though at times it is frustrating. thats how its been.
but now. everything is about to change. thirty six days. thats all i have left.
i have thirty six days left of my tailor made life.


the more i think about it. the more frightened i become.
i am on my own. not completely. but enough to scare me.
i cant ask my mom, every time i get asked out, if its okay.
i dont have to have permission to go on a road trip with friends.
i can stay out as late as i want. and know that there is going to be no consequence.
except maybe being tired in the morning.
its a feeling of unsure excitement. unsure that i will have the best judgment.
but excited that i can judge for myself.


i wait for these thirty six days to pass with great anticipation.
knowing that in these last days of the life. that i know now. and have known for so long.
i must listen to every word of advice from my parents. every simple word.
that comes from their mouths could be the words that i reflect back on in hard times.
im excited. to say the least. for me its an adventure. but. i am also scared out of my mind.
im about to step out into the unknown. and start a whole new part of my life.
nothing from here on out. is planned for me. everything from here on out. i plan for me.
holding my future in my own two hands is scary. and at times i wish.
i could give the burden of it back to my parents. but at the same time.
knowing that what i do with the rest of my life is my choice.
gives me so much excitement.


to say that i am nervous. well that would be an understatement.
colbie caillet said it best in her song tailor made.

"twenty five of all of these mixed emotions tangled up in pure confusion, its hard to let go of the past though it seems easier as time keeps movin"

those word always seem to creep back into my head as i think about my future.
its true. i am confused. so confused its ridiculous.
and its also true. that i dont want to let go of my present which will soon be my past.
but with everyday that goes by. it will be easier to slowly loosen my grasp.
around all of the yesterdays that i hold so dearly to me.
of course. i will never forget any of the memories i have made in this mapped out life of mine.
but i do look forward to making more memories in the up coming chapter of my story.

WELL MY SUMMERS BOOKED. but thats okay.
ill still be having fun.
lots of parades.
lots of meetings.
and.
lots of memories.
so.
i did the miss Pleasant Grove Scholarship Pageant.
it went well.
i got fourth attendant.
and i am very happy with that.
it was a very stressful couple of months.
but.
it paid off.
i finally get a crown.
a real one.
hahaha.
it was a life goal i guess.
for opening number.
i wore converse high tops on stage.
haha.
all the other girls had heels.
at first.
i was self conscious.
but it was my personality.
so who cares?
not me.
i liked my swim suit.
just simple black.
with a jeweled x on the back.
classy.
yet stylish.
i murdered my onstage question.
hahaha.
it was bad.
but oh well.
and i sang.
singing in front of people.
ahhh.
it gives me such a rush.
my passion for sure.
i sang happy by Leona Lewis.
i wore a red sparkly knee length dress.
i felt gorgeous.







and my evening gown.
ORANGE.
i loved it.
Lois spinder found it for me.
$15 bucks at ross.
yep.
we know how to shop.
or.
she does.
haha.
it was gorgeous.
and also made me feel so good in my skin.







all in all.
the pageant went so well.
and i had so much fun.
here are some shout outs.
to some people that i couldnt have done it with out.
my mother of course.
my sister.
always giving me moral support.
lois spinder.
my personal shopper.
Terry.
my pageant director.
staci spinder.
helped me through it all.
and my hostest Talia R.
all these people help me so much.
i could never thank them enough.
but.
i am saying it right now.
THANK.
YOU.

i love you all.
wish me luck to a busy.
and eventful.
but amazing.
pageant summer(:

the events of today were....different.
to say the least.
it was warm.
ahhhhhhhhh. YES. HEAT.
its about time.
it was one of those days that i will look back on in years to come.
and laugh out loud because it was so entertaining.
first it started out with me being on time to first period.
on time. that never happens.
the universe is finally working in my favor.
then in first period we watched remember the titans.
honestly. senior year is WORTHLESS.
worthless i tell you.
but thats okay.
then after first...i walked to second...who would have thought.
haha.
we finished learning our dance routine.
i love dancing. it makes me feel so alive.
but thats my opinion.
nothing very strange happened in this period.
off to third.
third was weird.
i got a long with the boys that sit at my table.
usually.
they are the most annoying things on the face of the earth.
but today. they werent.
i took notes in math. and listened.
then at the end of class. the student teacher gave me a donut.
"because i was so good today"
are we in preschool still??
but oh well...it was very satisfactory.
then there was lunch. mmm.
we went to haleys house and made breakfast burritos.
OHMYGOSH.
they were amazing. completely hit the spot.
then after lunch we went back to school.
and....
got in a car accident.
no i am not april fooling you.
we backed into Zak Hickens car. yeah.
totally rammed him.
luckily he is a nice kid.
hahah.
oh dear.
yeah so this is where it started getting weird.
i went to go talk to my FL teacher.
to turn in the paper i had written to clear my NC.
and yes he says to me.
"no. im not accepting this. you wrote it on the wrong movie."
yeah that happened. i almost died. i was not about to not get credit for a term of FL.
F(m)L.
then as i am leaving he says.
"you know what hallah...april fools"
who does that.?
WHO DOES THAT.
and who creates a holiday to mess with peoples minds.
at least i get credit now.
but i nearly had a heart attack.
then next was seminary with brin.
this is always a disaster.
today was refreshingly calm though.
until a giant bunny walks in with a basket full of eggs.
yeah.
asking her to prom.
i mean i wanna go to prom and all.
but not with a rabbit.
she was so embarrassed.
i sure got a good laugh out of that one.
then after school.
i had to go to the baseball game to sing the national anthem.
hahaha.
oh dear...
its cool.
we lost.
because of a stupid call that the ref made.
but dont get me started.
lots of things happened after school.
but i dont wanna give anymore of a play by play of my day.
all you need to know.
is that its one i will definitely be remembering.


ahhh. i love life.